


A Pipe isn't a Foot and Love isn't Easy

by Rilya



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Canon Era, Hamlet is autistic because I am and I said so, Hamratio, Horatio is a stars nerd, I'll die in the Hamlet is supposed to be 16 train, M/M, a lot of dirty interpretation, because they're gay in the 16th century, canon boyfriends ros and guil, dumb teenagers, mention of sex but nothing explicit, ros and guil are gay, slightly less angsty tho, they all love ancient greece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 07:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rilya/pseuds/Rilya
Summary: After putting up the play to find out if his uncle really is his father's murderer, Hamlet decides to test his friend's loyalty. But Rosencrantz doesn't understand what the prince means, leading to lots of misenderstandings, a mental breakdown, and an emotional conversation with his dearest friend, Horatio.Or, in which Hamlet makes dirty jokes all the time but doesn't understand when other people thinks he made one while he didn't.





	A Pipe isn't a Foot and Love isn't Easy

“Will you play upon this pipe?”

“My lord, I cannot.”

“I pray you.”

“Believe me, I cannot.”

“I do beseech you.”

“I know no touch of it, my lord.”

A lie. Hamlet knew his old friend had some knowledge of instruments and could have played if he wanted to. The innocent and slightly embarrassed face of Rosencrantz only raised his rage. He wanted to tease him, but the man kept lying to him and he knew he couldn't trust him anymore.

“Why do you insist on refusing?” He wanted to know his reasons despite already feeling betrayed.

“My lord, I do not know what you heard, but it is false! Guildenstern and I came here to entertain you, that is certain, but not in this manner!” The young man looked at his feet, suppressing a sob. “I beseech you trust me, my lord!”

The prince had never seen Ros so embarrassed about playing. He knew he never had been fond of public presentations and was afraid of what others might think of him - excluding Guildenstern who was always here to reassure him - but such embarrassment was not natural.

“Perhaps we should invite Guildenstern? You could both show me you skills then.”

Ros was fidgeting with his hands and at the mention of his dearest friend, his cheeks flushed to a deep red. 

“I deeply apologize, my lord. I did not know you learnt about such things but I pree you do not punish me in that fashion! I am always loyal to you, but I cannot betray Guildenstern.”

Hamlet gritted his teeth. Did the word loyalty even mean something to him? He was obviously more loyal to Guil than to his prince. He stared at his former friend in disdain, making the sensitive Ros weep. Hamlet didn't want to hurt him… except he felt even more hurt, and he was beginning to think his paranoia was justified. 

Ros was still standing in front of him, desperately trying to regain some dignity. Hamlet wasn't so cruel and let him take his leave.

 

###

 

Later that evening, he exchanged with Guil who responded in a similar manner, with more denying all the things Hamlet was telling him about his conversation with their mutual friend. He was now sure they shared a secret, maybe even something the King told them, this treacherous uncle. 

There was only one person remaining pure of the King's influence, his dearest friend, Horatio. 

Gertrude could wait the whole night before her son came in her chambers as requested. Whenever Hamlet started a conversation with Horatio, it always felt like time was suddenly faster, and that hours became minutes. They would make latin puns, talk about what they had learned at Wittenberg, and stop only when someone interrupted them with firm authority. 

Hamlet caught Horatio reading a book in the gardens. He looked over his shoulder, unnoticed, to read some lines and understand it was about astronomy. The prince cleared his throat, half hoping he would not scare Horatio, half hoping he would. 

“Horatio why did you leave after the play? It was hard dealing with Ros and Guil without you” he scoffed “you know how annoying they can be.”

“Oh! Excuse me, my lord. I remembered I wanted to observe Orion’s constellation and according to this book, today, or should I say tonight, was the best time to do so.”

Hamlet pouted. He hated it when Horatio called him ‘my lord’. He never understood why he still did despite giving him the authorisation to call him by his first name.

“I see, it is indeed a starry night.” 

None of them said a word for some minutes, admiring the stars’ perfect alignment in comfortable silence. Hamlet could have almost forgotten why he was looking for his friend, if his curiosity - and completely justified paranoia - were not that strong.

“Can I ask you something?” he hesitated.

“Of course, my lord. I know I cannot do anything to help your mourning, but I can listen. And foremost, I can try to ease your pain.” 

“Thank you…” Hamlet flashed a faint smile. “Let me tell you what happened earlier while I was asking Ros to play the pipe for me.”

Hamlet began his tale, not omitting a single detail since it occured only an hour ago. He told him about Ros’ blushing face, Guil’s severe look, and his feeling that they hid something from him. When he was done, he stared at Horatio, eyes filled with hope he could explain him what was the matter.

Horatio felt his prince’s distress and wondered if their friends really were plotting against him. But when Hamlet explained the situation, he only wished his answer could have been as simple as ‘yes they are traitors’. Horatio was the most silent of the quatuor and his friends often entrusted him with their secrets. It didn’t help that he had good intuition.

He knew Ros and Guil were very fond of each other. They liked each other so much that after a lesson on ancient Greece, Horatio witnessed them kissing in a hidden spot of the university where nobody came… except the three of them. He promised not to tell a soul, and reassured them that he did not care. His friends were surprised but relieved, as he was himself, since he did not have to justify why exactly he could not blame them.

“My prince…” he gritted his teeth in anticipation. “I know what secret they share. It is not about your mother nor uncle, I can assure you. But I promised them I would keep their secret safe, even from you.”

Hamlet felt something in his throat. He bit his lip with more intensity than needed to remain calm. Even Horatio was hiding something from him now, and he could not stand it. He knew people, even the ones you were closest to, were allowed to have secrets, but he could not wrap his head around what secret Horatio could so strongly keep from him.

“Horatio. Dear friend. Please, let me believe I can still call you like this.” 

“My lord I don't want to hide anything from you, I assure you! I swear it! On the moon, the sun, and all the stars I love so much! Please-”

But before Horatio could finish his sentence, Hamlet grabbed him by the collar and made both of them fall on the soft grassy ground. Tears dropped on Horatio's face.

“If you can't tell me, then shut your mouth forever!” the prince was yelling and knew any servant passing by could hear him, but he could not stop his rage. “I do not need friends if the only thing they do is lying! Everyone is lying to everyone and I am sick of it!”

“My prince, please calm down!” Horatio cupped his lord's cheeks. “Lower your voice I pray you. If you do… If you stop crying, I will break my promise. For your ears only.”

Hamlet obeyed, for once, and sat down next to Horatio. The latter did the same and placed his hands on Hamlet's cheeks again, knowing well this gesture calmed him down every time.

“I know you will not repeat their secret, my lord, but I made a promise, that's the only reason why I was so reluctant to tell you.” Horatio breathed in, getting ready to tell him all the truth. “Ros and Guil… love each other.”

Hamlet was visibly confused. He knew Ros and Guil loved each other, it was obvious, even from a stranger's point of view.

“Of course they do. What else is there to that?”

“No… you do not quite get it, my lord. They love each other the same way a man loves a woman, the same way Ophelia loves you.”

Horatio breathed out, while Hamlet was thinking. 

“You mean… like that class we had on Ancient Greek practices? That time our teacher told us the Church was strictly forbidding those?”

“Yes, that's exactly what I mean, my lord. I caught them kissing after that very same class and ever since, I kept their secret.”

“I see…” 

Horatio did not know what to think of his reaction, but he dearly hoped he would understand. He put his hand on his lord's, waiting for more to come.

“I promise to you, Horatio, to keep their secret safe,” declared Hamlet with emotion. After all, he was not someone who liked conforming to society anyway. “But tell me, what's the link with playing the flute?” he genuinely asked.

Horatio beamed, then laughed. How could Hamlet make so many dirty jokes and not understand when others did, or understood his words in that way?

“From what you told me, you asked Ros to play the 'pipe’, right?” Hamlet nodded. “He probably thought you were talking of… another organ shall I say?”

There was a long silence. Horatio seeing his lord still did not understand, pointed at his crotch. Hamlet began laughing, quickly joined by his friend.

“Are you telling me they thought I wanted to have sex with both of them at the same time?”

“I think so, my lord,” he chuckled.

He then remembered he was still holding Hamlet's hand and took back his own hand. Hamlet instantly missed the warmth. 

Next thing Horatio knew, Hamlet's lips were on his in a sloppy and clumsy kiss, as their noses bumped. Hamlet did not think, it just felt natural. And he was pretending to be mad, so he could do everything he wanted without consequences, right? Horatio was practically melting in happiness and incomprehension. 

“My lord…?” he hesitated.

“I kissed you and you still insist on calling me by this stupid title? Call me Hamlet or… or I am taking back my kiss!”

Horatio thought about how Hamlet could do that and faintly called him again, in the same way as before. Hamlet understood quickly what Horatio was trying to accomplish, so he kissed him again, this time with more care. 

Without really knowing what they were doing, the young men's tongues began playing with the other's. It felt a bit weird, extremely warm, but somehow pleasing. This kiss lasted longer than their first, and Horatio didn't know how to breathe, so he separated their lips unwillingly. 

“Hamlet…” he sighed. “I didn't know you liked me too…”

“Too? I thought the same thing as you, dear Horatio. And I'm glad you're finally calling me by my name.”

“You… you do? Are you sure you are in love with me? I am but a simple scholar and you are a prince, why would you choose me over… over Ophelia?” Horatio began shaking. All his insecurities were seething. “I thought you loved her, my lord…”

“No Horatio, no! It is true I acted as if I loved her but trust me it was only to please my mother and the poor Ophelia herself. I did not know the nature of my feelings for you, they are still confusing, but they are strong. When you told me about Ros and Guil kissing… it was like an illumination.”

Hamlet took Horatio's hand and began putting little kisses on it. Horatio looked at him fondly, ready to tear up. He thought to himself that he was a fool for weeping at what he desired for years. Hamlet raised his head, looking at Horatio in the eyes. They opened their mouths to talk at the same time.

“I love you!”

“I love you.”

They both blushed and started giggling like normal teenagers, something they never had been. 

“I should go now, but I will come back, dearest Horatio. I will avenge my father and then everything will be alright.” he said, putting a kiss on Horatio's forehead.

“Wait! I need to know… Tell me all that is not caused by your madness.”

“What madness?” Hamlet grinned.

**Author's Note:**

> So as you can see I LOVE Hamlet and I've decided on a lot of headcanons so I hope those coincides with your (yes you, the reader) own! After all the positive feedbacks on my Bencutio fic, I decided to give a shot to Hamratio and this was born! I wanted to take an already existing scene as a base, like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead which is a big inspiration.  
> At first, I thought the line "will you play upon this pipe" meant something dirty and that's how I decided my dumb ass would be represented by the cutest dumbass of the play: Rosencrantz.  
> Anyway I hope you like it and feel free to tell me if I made any mistakes because english isn't my first language! Thanks again to all the people who showed interest in my fics and encouraged me to post them!
> 
> About the title: a simple pun about how Shakespeare used the word "foot" a lot to say "penis" and the rest is pretty self explanatory.


End file.
